B B A L L B O Y .

Saturday, February 28, 2009

I'm having trouble sleeping nowadays. Not as in I have troubles to think about, but the thing is i just find it hard to actually fall asleep nowadays.

I understand now why they call it falling asleep. Because like a fall, when you sleep you don't realize it happens until it has already happened. And when you do realize it, hours have past and you're ready to begin the day.

Nowadays I just lie in bed. Not thinking about anything, listening to my breathes, in and out. I hear my brother's keyboard click clacking away. I hear the quiet hum of the air conditioner. I feel the cold air resting onto my face, as my body is wrapped in a thick quilt of warmth. What I see in my mind's eye, nothingness. Pitch darkness. Absence of light. Hoping that my body would take this as a signal that it's rest time, and let the sweet embrace of sleep drift me away into the next day cycle.

That's what I like about sleeping. It's like time travelling. I close my eyes, once in a while dream up of an adventure, and before I know it, I catch a glimpse of light. Slowly, I open my eyes, realize that hours have just past before me for what felt like mere seconds. My mind says otherwise, as now it is well rested, and as a daily ritual, I stretch my whole body out, hearing each and every bone crack. More often than not, this makes me feel all the more vulnerable to my soft bed, as the moment every bone crack is heard and felt, my bed calls out to me, and I answer it. I pounce back onto bed, shrouding myself with my blanket, hoping to bluff my body that it's that time again, enabling sleep to envelop me once again.

Of course, that happens in the morning, which doesnt solve my problem for sleeping at night. Lol =p. Sleep is still wonderful tho.

“It was on my fifth birthday that Papa put his hand on my shoulder and said, ‘Remember, my son, if you ever need a helping hand, you’ll find one at the end of your arm.’”Sam Levenson

[Keith wrote this, thanks for reading! =D]Y,
9:36 PM

Friday, February 27, 2009

I sprained both my ankles. Awesome. What joy.

Apparently I think my body runs on a mimic system. Which explains why both sides of my body, right and left, grow stuff equally, such as my arm hair, feet hair, whatever hair, lolz. Dont quite get me? Let me explain. I sprained my right ankle, both ways. And yet, somehow, as my right ankle felt better, my left ankle started to hurt like it was sprained. No swelling on either ankles, but it hurts enough to classify as a sprain. So yah. You see my situation. I sprained an ankle without landing the wrong way. I sprained another ankle by spraining two ways. Lol.

I can still walk, or hobble for that matter. Limping is for people with at least ONE working leg. Both my ankles, I can't really jump or hop, nor squat. So yah. Hobble hobble hobble. Let's all hope I heal fast, yea?

When life knocks you down, try to land on your back. Because if you can look up, you can get up. Let your reason get you back up.

[Keith wrote this, thanks for reading! =D]Y,
8:47 PM

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Well. I had my first really small time job today. Paid to watch people play basketball hah =p. $12 bucks for two hours, paid on per-assignment basis. Not bad. I went with Ivan to church service today. Decided to give my very first pay to the offering, that is to say, that $12. I dunno. I guess I'm started to get affected by the thought that there is a higher being up there, and that there really is higher meaning in our lives that to just live it out.

But I still won't call myself a christian. Not that I don't believe in him, but sincerely I believe with all my heart that there is a God. There is someone who loves us, put us down here to love and all he asks is for us to love him. And for the better part of my life, I do. Right now, I'm trying to involve him in my life, instead of just blowing off his existence. God still loves me and forgives me for all the grave sins I've done, as long as I've admitted to them and their punishment. And believe you me, I've done some grave sins that absolutely I myself find it hard to forgive myself for what I've done. That I've come to accept. That, I try to love God. But still, I won't call myself a christian. It's not because of feeling shameful like how I felt about it in the past. It's more of... convincing myself that this isn't some sham. That this isn't some ploy to psycho myself into some spur of the moment thing. That I need ensure this isn't some spur of the moment feeling. I want to believe with all I am that there is just that. I want to have faith. Faith being undeniable, unsurmountable belief in something. In this case, I want to have faith in God.

Right now, I'm uncomfortable having to spend my sunday at church. And what kind of christian is that? And for even just that, I'm shameful. I almost used the phrase"wasting my sunday". Lol. If I am to call myself a christian, I want to go at it full on. No half-assed belief. Or rather, I need myself to know that this isn't some joke. That I'm not kidding myself, riding on my feelings from this afternoon. Well, to pinpoint something specifically, I have trouble with "putting everything in God's hands". As *most* of you know, I tend to rely on myself for most things. Like self improvement, mostly. So that's why I'm having trouble. And why on earth should I have trouble regarding this. Maybe it's because my own principles and beliefs is contradicting what I am being taught religiously? Is there any way to combine the two? It's unfortunate that stubbornly, I am a man of logic and reasoning. And yet, I believe in a higher being with nothing absolute to be sure of besides the *fact* that He lives.

I used to think that I have the rest of my life to decide whether I want to be a christian or not, or whether I want to call myself a christian. I try to live my life as a christian, by doing good and obeying everything I feel is right that goes against what others perceive as "wtf". The only things missing are that I don't call myself a christian nor do I admit this to others, and that I rarely if not never attend sunday church. And right now, this feeling is my gut that this day is a turning point. That there really isnt much time. Of whether I want to be a real christian.
I believe in God. I love God. And I know God loves me and forgives me for all the mistakes I've done. I pray sometimes, but not often. I don't feel ashamed in answering my friends anymore when they ask me whether I'm going to church this saturday. I don't feel uncomfortable talking about God and his love now. I feel happy heading down to saturday service, whether it is to see new friends there, sing songs, worshipping god and listening to his word. And yet, I feel that this is not enough. Or maybe it really is not enough. Matter is, I don't feel I can call myself a christian yet. People around me whether they know it or not have been affecting me one way or another. Unknowingly, they assure me that being a christian is not as bad as I think. All that's left is convincing myself. And how to do that? Hopefully, God would reveal it to me =).

Woah. Sorry if this post is too religious for your tastes. It's been awhile since I talked about religion, if not never. I've always thought of myself as a free thinker, even though I've been brought up a buddhist. I used to think that religion, well, was a stupid idea. I used to be a really closed mind when it comes to religion one might say. I would find faults in every one of them. But then, what about me as a person? Would I then look at the faults in everyone? No. I look at everyone, and all I see is potential as a person, how good they can become or how good they already are. So why can't I do the same for religion? Turns out, I've been turning my back on something that could've helped me gain more knowledge about the world and the society as we know it. Life lessons beyond simple comprehension. I'm ready to learn.

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death. ~Anais Nin

The great end of education is to discipline rather than to furnish the mind; to train it to the use of its own powers, rather than fill it with the accumulation of others. ~Tyron Edwards

[Keith wrote this, thanks for reading! =D]Y,
12:36 AM

Saturday, February 21, 2009

It has barely been weeks and I'm afraid this pack of ballers are drifting apart already.

I doubt you'll ever read this, guys, but still, once team mates always team mates. I find time to ball with you guys just as you find time to ball with me. This friendship bond through sports won't ever break, I trust. It may drift apart like an ever extending chain, but it will never, ever break. I hope.

[Keith wrote this, thanks for reading! =D]Y,
12:09 AM

Thursday, February 19, 2009

I find that failure really is the stepping stone to success. Depends on how the failure tastes to you.To some, or most, it tastes bitter. It tastes horrid. It tastes appalling. It tastes like something you never wish you tasted. On a humorous note, it tastes like the hybrid spawn of a mud-broiled pig, a poisoned puffer fish, and a fat person's armpit hair. That's why no one wants to taste it again, because they may as well have plucked a fat person's armpit hair and pop it into their mouths once they've experience failure. That's why these people sometime never bother to try again, for fear of a fat person's armpit hair.

To me, it is a bittersweet taste. It tastes horrid, just like how Chinese medicinal herbs are, but I drink it up anyway. It tastes appalling, but even in the most appalling of things, beauty lies with it. I just have to look clearly. I tasted failure all my life, but then again, who hasnt? And no, it does not taste like that to me. Failure, to me, is enriching. It gives me a taste of how it would feel like if I could do better. It motivates me. It makes me strive onward in a world of tall people. Me, one of the little guys. It stresses to me that in this world, there are better players. Bigger players has always been a constant in my life, so meh. Having skills is not enough. Or maybe I just have not enough skills. All I know is, with the recent failures in mind, it gives light to my flaws. It accentuates my downfalls, which thankfully given my introspective self at the very face of it, and lets me know just exactly know where I did wrong. As one famous baseball player said I think, "The player who makes the second to last mistake wins." To me, it means that everything that can be done right, is always done right. It just leaves to me how much I can limit my wrongdoings. So basically, I know what can be done, and I'm going to do it. Given my pint sized body, I need to bulk up further to let other players know that I'm no pushover, both in spirit and body. From last year, I've been trying to change my game in a way that I enhance others in their game. In short, a playmaker. I realize that I need to have more facets to my game, rather than a few. Right now, in my mind, I think I have the playmaker, forward, and defensive mind set. I need one to not only enhance my team mates' game, but my own. And that requires some thinking.

Why this sudden post? Well, two days ago I went down to the nearby CC to shoot hoops. To sum it all up, I played a one on one game with a guy named Michael. To me, he was just some street baller with apparently no grasp of the basics but amazing scoring ability. Thus, a street baller. With no AND1 moves to boot. So prolly just some player on the streets, not a street baller. Lol. Anyway, he wasnt serious in anyway. which can both be a blessing and a curse. I find it a curse. A blessing because he can find fun in what he's playing. I find my fun in both, but I prefer the serious kind of competition atmosphere game. And so i played one on one with him. I started this post off stating something about failure. What makes you think I won? I lost, 16-21. As one can imagine, even if I don't show it. Losing takes a blow on me. Especially to some guy on the streets with no grasp of the basics, and no defence either. I made the final mistake of tossing the ball to him instead of actually trying for a shot. Lol. I lost to some guy. When I was playing serious. And thus, note the rant in the previous paragraphs.

Please don't take this as an emo post. I loathe emo posts. I would pretty much slit myself in the wrist over and over again than to have someone tell me I write emo posts, but then it would be pretty much redundant because that would make me an emo person, writing a post, therefore an emo post. Whoa. That's a mouthful. But seriously. I write these stuff down now and then to remind myself of what I was like when I was younger. And srsly? I laugh at my 13 year old self, buddy buddy with my 14year old self, and is currently engaging a hostile takeover with my 15year old self.

So, au revoir.

[Keith wrote this, thanks for reading! =D]Y,
10:40 PM

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

I just read finished a book called "Busted" yesterday. pretty interseting book. Basically it's about this unpopular guy who goes on to becoming "popular" by collecting the Book of Busts. What is that you ask? the Book of Busts is a collection of every senior girl 's measurements. Yes, you read that right. He became popular by collecting the chest-hip-waist measurement of the girls in his school. Of course, he tries to maintain with the in crowd and be steady with his old friends, but it never works. He gets in trouble and bla bla bla. I think you people know enough =p. But it's an awesome book to read, especially to increase one's vocab.

Here are a couple of sentences from the book:
"when one of the cheerleaders spiilss ketchup on her impossibly deep scoop-neck sweater, she leans towards Brandon like she can't believe her good fortune. For his part, Brandon already wields a wet paper towel, ready to apply his magic touch to the stain besmirching her chest. He even seems gallant, averting his eyes, but i suspect that his hands are doing the looking for him."

"The smattering of sarcastic applause that ensues successfully identifies Brandon as unquestioned leader and Zach as erstwhile goon."

"Everyone is holding their breath, awaiting ever more impressive feats of empathy, dexterity, and general heroism."

" "It's an open-holed flute. Produces a better tone, plus it also forces you to master your fingering technique." She peered up at me from her dark eyerows."Did you, um, just say you're an expert at fingering?" "

"I look at him as I walk through the door, noticing, more than ever before, the deep wrinkles on his forehead and the poorly dyed black hair combed across his bald patch. He's trying to look intimidatin, but he's so pudgy around the edges that the impression falls flat. I might be wrong, but his defiance seems desperate... like I've just held up a mirror to the reality of his existence, and he can't bear to face the reflection."

[Keith wrote this, thanks for reading! =D]Y,
11:12 PM

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Infatuation
"Oh, it's what you do to me. How you make me think about scenarios after spending time with you. How my mind just wanders around you without any prompting. Alas, I have given up finding my other half for now. I'm going forward to try and achieve my dreams of playing in the nationals for JC, but let's just shift that towards poly, shall we? Until that moment comes when I finally want to find an other half to be with, I hope you'll still be there in my life. In hopes that you will accept all that I am, just as I grow fond of you in time. I will be right here waiting for you I guess, and I hope that maybe by some slim hope that you are too? Why you ask? Because it's what you do to me. But for now, I shall chase my dreams, becoming a better man, forget about all these interest I have and just focus at my task at hand. " Something I found on the net.

Please note that the above girl does not read this blog, so none of you should know of her =p. But sincerely, I'm putting having a bgr relationship quite down on my list . Basketball, poly studies, and not drifting from my friends are the top of it =). But honestly though, the above paragraph sounds so much better in my head on the mrt ride back home.

Got back from sec3 camp on friday, around 12. Used com till 2, slept till 5, woke up and looked at the time before drifting back to sleep to around 8. I kept having the same good dream about the people in sec3 camp lol. But ironically, I felt that I didn't quite do my job well as an instructor. Granted, they quite the rowdy class with quite able leaders, and since I didn't do a good job as a controller, they didn't prosper as well as I hoped. First of all, I see what type of class I have before deciding what kind of leader I should be. Last year I was instructing F3-1. So I had to be the super enthu kind of leader. This year was the rowdy, easily enthu'ed F3-3. So I had to be the kind of tough love leader, the kind that make sure their fun doesnt get out of hand, and yet gets the best as they can be. But I'm horrible being this kind of leader, so I ended up establishing no guide lines, and not creating the relationship I was expecting from the class. Secondly, even though I did not have a hand in it, F3-3 prospered into one class, which I am very proud of. On day one, they were F3-3 and pt1, 2, 3, and 4. They were all seperated into groups. But by day 3, they were but one class, F3-3. Being a former F3-3 student, I was proud of them. Ms Khek did a wonderful job of guiding them, so kudos to her =).

But honestly I feel that this year sec3 batch is quite... undesirable. Most of them have no respect for authority, and yet those are the very same people who are weak as hell and have nothing respectable about them. Just like how you must have money to give money, they have no respect to give respect. Of course, there are good apples in this tree, I just hope that a few bad apples don't spoil the crop. In my class, I see leaders. This class was almost the same as the class I was in, friendly, rowdy, and cosmopolitan lol. They have multiracial classmates=p. Of course, I see the bad apple too, and I personally wish for his behavior to get better for his own good. He looks for respect in all the wrong places, where they are people who could be his friends in the class without him having to try. All in all, I really hope next year this batch would mature, and be contributing members to their school and not stay the same. If they do stay the same, the world's society is doomed.

Life is just a mirror, and what you see out there, you must first see inside of you.
Wally 'Famous' Amos

How far you go in life depends on you being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and the strong. Because someday in life you will have been all of these.

George Washington Carver

[Keith wrote this, thanks for reading! =D]Y,
1:28 AM

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

I'll be going off to help out in GM's sec3 camp tml. You can contact me, but I may not answer =P. Leave a message.

[Keith wrote this, thanks for reading! =D]Y,
10:42 PM

Monday, February 09, 2009

Okay, so I didn't appeal. So it means you're reading a future diploma holder of Sports and Wellness Management's blog post.

I''m going to make this a nonsensical blog post. Meaning whatever I think up of, I'll put it down here.

Ever wonder why the Earth is round? Or rather, what if it were some other shape, like maybe a cube? Imagine that. I'd think that gravity would still prevail, so we don't really fall off the face of the planet, maybe just get some bad jet lag or something. Ha, and instead of having only two poles, it being the north and south, we'd have eight poles, each being the corners of the cube. What kind of climate would it be on the corners ? hm. That's a toughie. I imagine there still be a notrh and south pole, the Earth would still rotate likewise, only with six other corners. hat kind of people would be living on the other poles? I'd imagine they'd be living on a huge plot of land with a pointy thing stinking out from the middle of it, maybe like a geyser or a volcano or a mountain. Or, it could be just a pointy thing. lol.

What if I was 180cm tall? I'd imagine alot of changes. I'd own in basketball ^^. No one would treat me like they do now. I'd get more respect from my peers just for being tall as well as fear. I don't think I would like to be tall now. Because I would have different friends, and I god knows I love the friends that I have now ^^. But still, it wouldn't urt to have a growth spurt right about now ^^. That way, I'd have my cake and eat it too =D.

Lol. That was a short nonsesical session thinking. I'm hungry now. See yaz.

If you're trying to achieve, there will be roadblocks. I've had them; everybody has had them. But obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.

Michael Jordan

[Keith wrote this, thanks for reading! =D]Y,
5:28 PM

Thursday, February 05, 2009

I've been thinking alot. Actually, none at all. I lied. Actually, I'm just very confused right now.

One fine day in the past, I decided to myself that I'm not going to care about anything that I can't control, have no hand in it, or if there really is nothing I can do to change it. Knowing me, I really explore all options before giving up. So whenever I had decided to just move on about a certain matter, I tell myself that there really is nothing I can do about it, so why bother right? Move along, just like I know I should, and enjoy what this life has given me instead of worrying futilely over what I can't get. Sounds like a sound way of getting through life right? Right. Until today, which presented a small flaw in my principle.

It's about the appealing thing. I THOUGHT there really was nothing I could do about it. I thought that since I cannot at least try to appeal for my first choice, I should just give up on it altogether and focus on what was given me, and enjoy it to the fullest. Again, one might say this is an admirable outlook to life. Except NOW, there really is something I can do about it. I heard from Zheng Hou that he went to TP and applied for a course that required less points than he got, and he at least managed to appeal for it. Only that his results come out in march. Upon hearing this, my whole head just went... blank. And not the good kind where you're jsut aimlessly dreaming, nurturing whatever thought comes to you or doing things on a whim. The bad kind where.. your head just fills with bad stuff. Panic. Anger. Depression. Grief. I panicked, mostly. There really was something I can do about it! The thing is now, do I really want to do anything about it?

Now you see my dilemma. First, I got all psyched up expecting myself to go to SP and take creative writing. Then, I got into NYP, fscking up all my psyche. Then, I troubled myself into whether should I appeal or not, and decided to myself to appeal, to at least try. Then imagine my downfall when I found out when I couldn't even try. Now imagine me rising from the ashes, ready to pick myself up and move on and look forward to what I was given. Now, imagine the ashes forming back into what I lost in myself, giving me a chance to chase what I lost and can get again. I already got what I need. But do I dare chase after what I want?

Well, I'm not really sure. I'm lazy. I do not want to go down all the way to SP to ask again whether I can do something similar to what Zheng Hou did. But then again, this opportunity totally ruptured my principle into bits. I now had a hand in something that I previously thought I didnt. It may sound confusing, and it is. Now, I just don't know what to do. Not in the emo kind of way, but just, clueless. I have no idea what to do, even with all the logical reasoning I can muster up. This kinda happens when you have your principle/theory/outlook on life totally just imploded on itself.

[Keith wrote this, thanks for reading! =D]Y,
10:21 PM

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Argh. I can't even try to appeal for the course. This year's appeal system sucks.

I went all the way to SP only to find out that I nor them can do anything about it. The only way to appeal is through internet. And the internet won't even let me try for the course I want. Sigh.

Moving on. The course I am at now isn't too bad either. Cept that all the things I want to learn are in my third year, amking it seem like I spent two years preparing in the wrong class ==". That's a lol right there.

Nothing much to say. Just been balling preparing for poly.

Sit quietly, doing nothing, spring comes, and the grass grows by itself.

[Keith wrote this, thanks for reading! =D]Y,
8:43 PM